1week more!

i'm excited to gave birth... i dont know how much it hurts and how long will it takes,hopefully things will be safe for both of us...=)

MEA CULPA

MEA CULPA

I don’t want to say sorry, im asking for forgiveness, I don’t want to say I’m out of my mind, confuse, or im under effect of drugs or whatever of spending 3 nights with a coward. It’s a sin, I did it, and it happened at first im afraid to disclose to che especially to you. for me to have peace of mind and you to0. This is the truth. I’ll face alone whatever move you’ll make I know I have hurt you a lot.

first time

When I was young mama used to grace me the aged-old line “just wait till you have kids”. Now from singlehood turned motherhood very soon, I guess mama was right all along, being a parent is something you just can’t appreciate till you are one.i realized after 2 decades here on earth. Kids or children are capable of pulling out of a mothet or a father a level of sacrifices and commitments that they could never have imagined when they are only bf and gf’s.

I’d never experienced a moment like this, it was a ‘first’. It was a new dimension in my life. A new beginning. It was raibnbow-after-the-rain, happy and sad at the same time moment. And it would forever mark a page in my life.

To shed light on

It should be me and Salvador, that’s how it supposed to be…

I’ve knew him for so long but we’ve known each other mid of 2008 and meet, finally we became together end month of the same year.

Our first two months is tough but were striving hard and stretch about every issue and try not to change each selves but to get used to it were still growing..

We kiss and hug every time were together,pseudo-DO comes only in chances, there was never a full time DO, you can count it in your hands alone how many we had.

I’ve knew him he’s a responsible son and brother in their family, when it comes to household chores he can wash clothes as many the have compared to me. He may not be proficient but whatever life offers him, he stayed dignified, productive and he can identify his self to others, his interest makes him going, he always plucks the day.

Every mate knows he is kid-like, he do things that he want, often act like a child [that’s the good thing about kids their free to do things] but kids or children age ranges only 1 to 21?. I believe playing never stop till your already 45 or up or till u stop breathing. I came from a relationship were the guy is older than me but I’m not saying that he have to be what I had before. He’s totally different and that’s why I like him.

Break-up comes every month; same problem I don’t know until now if still me should stretch about it. I don’t want to enumerate or go into details about our problems he knew what I don’t like and im not sure if he’s sensitive enough about life intuition, I don’t want it to came from me im sure he knew it and its not for me its for him.

I month before I found I was pregnant, I was bold of breaking up with him and just the same he seem like he can’t hear me, he ignore me and act like no problem.

1^st week of august we had pseudo-DO and just the same it didn’t even last for 10mins. Yes his trying to comes in but it didn’t last inside for 10 seconds. He know what’s the problem that’s why he is right in claiming that it’s impossible for me to get pregnant, I requote “he is truly right”...

Before that sinful night I know I’m already pregnant.

I told him its him cause people knew he is my bf.

The truth is end week of july a coward and I we go out and spend 3 nights together. Successful DO happened.

I was really afraid and frightened, I’ve told the coward about it. He said “ are you sure? Maybe you can dirnk something about it?” I said “I’m afraid and I can’t do it, I can’t do it alone, but you can just stay away from me!” he said “ im afraid also to your parents but im here if you need anything.”

I stop communicating with him and Salvador

I speal the beans to my parents, they were very disgusted of me , they let me decide but all I can say is I’m afraid, papa decided that I should keep myself shut at home refrain from seeing any of them, tell the truth to Salvador, continue the pregnancy, after I gave birth , I must go back to work and start again.

---whorish woman [whoredoms]

I'm pregnAnt!

I was not forced to do it, I did not forced him too to do it at the first point. we did that maybe because of chance or the moment is inviting. We didn’t even planed it.

I had pregnancy test not only one or two. I had 6 pregnancy tests all two lines… all positive… my heart beats beyond normal my hands and toes get cold. I go up and down stairs looking for what to do, where to keep the PT slides. Till I found myself seated on the stairs thinking what to do. I first texted ghian and ange we meet also that night.

I really had a hard time to accept cause I think it’s not time yet, I’m not ready the man either and my family.im too young I have things in mind that I want to do, to go ... My family are expecting of me. It should be easy or smooth if the man is responsible enough to make it up to me. But things happened fast were dragged day by day.

I just let him knew my situation and let him plan or do something about it. But days just come and go. Im not rushing him but my tummy gets bigger and bigger I have no escape from mama’s suspicion.

Until he made a father-like concerned msg. that he’ll support me in all he can. But that’s the last msg. I tried to communicate but there’s no use, I realized that there is no point of waiting making myself gago that he’ll make it up to me. He’s old enough man I thought. I decided to just face it alone. I don’t want to end up to someone who doesn’t even care about his self.

Initially it’s really hard in so many aspects. First I’m on the first trimester, morning sickness that should only be in the morning but I experienced it the whole day vomiting, nausea every after meal. I want to eat but my taste buds are not aligned with me. I easily get tired. Its really hard cause I work at the same time. I can’t sleep at night I feel alone. Especially when my parents are not aware yet. It occupies my mind every second. I think of what to do etc. etc. I spent many evenings alone, worrying about if the move had been the right decision for me? Perhaps it would have been better if I waited longer. I often thought. All these things have happened but what finally tore’s it was that things stopped working and nobody wants to be a repairman.

dec. 08,

Too early to buy clothes for the baby, I don’t even know yet if his or her but the penny comes early. I don’t want to keep it first till I knew the baby’s gender; holidays are so close Christmas and New Year. Impulsive I always admit. I’m expecting also on January but not as much as I received now from my 13^th month.

I inform my parents that I’m planning to already buy clothes for the baby. Same reactions too early blah blah@!?~...

I waited mama, she and my sister went to the doctor for my sister’s check-up.so we left the house after lunch but they need to come back 6pm to the clinic the surgeon needs to see her. We went to Makati che told me it’s cheaper at landmark but before we get there we first look at SM on the way to landmark it’s cheap, the prize is cool =I, we went and look also in glorietta more cool than SM the quality is nice infairness. But mama claims that it should only till 3months old clothes, the growth is too fast every after 3months it changes clothes t.

At the landmark we first saw infants clothes I feel awkward cause I’m not looking or buying clothes for myself but for the baby, I don’t feel sad I felt old cause priorities are set no choice ,but to deal with it. But I’m trying to find cool things, I need to stretch about it. When I saw the clothes my excitement for the baby to come out gets doubled. We choose plain colors and designs, each 6pieces long sleeves, shirts, shorts, pants, bigkis, socks, gloves. I brought also comforters and pillows, alcohol, soaps etc.etc. the damage costs me like two new branded shoes… pff… I also brought my youngest brother johnjohn clothes my Christmas presence for him. Before when im not yet pregnant enjoying singlehood days, I never planned to have a baby but in the event like this I have no choice but to be responsible for what I did. I thought johnjohn could be not only my youngest cute brother but my bedmate/dinner mate/baby/enemy etc. source of lunatic activities.

430pm were finished we decided to eat first before we separate ways. We ate at KFC funny cause it was mama’s request she wants to eat the what she call “toasted” but she’s not sure she’s figuring it was like pizza and chicken wrapped, were laughing cause its twister not toasted but she’s right its pizza and fried chicken rolled into one wrapped like and to eat like shawarma, yummy!. After that mama and sister went back to the clinic, johnjohn and I went home. Tiring yet unexpectedly heart melting my family supports me all the way.